Part of Me 1/19/10

Today I did something I have been putting off ever since we moved to Tuscaloosa over three (actually almost four) years ago - I filled out a form to have my medical records transferred from my OB/Gyn physician in Montgomery to one here in Tuscaloosa.

I knew I was procrastinating on doing this, but I don't think I realized until today exactly why I have been procrastinating.

I've been procrastinating because it was hard...it was emotional...it closed a chapter in my life...it meant that I was moving on...and it made me completely sad. I know this may sound crazy, and I debated on whether or not to even share this, but I promise I'm not a basketcase...I'm just...attached. I'm the type of person who draws myself to the people I come in contact with on a routine/daily basis, and they become a part of my life...and of me. So now you can imagine what goodbyes are like for me...they're honestly painful. But on the other hand, I'm great at long-distance friendships, and for me, it doesn't matter how long it's been since I've seen or talked to someone...my feelings are the same no matter the distance or time in between.

Which brings me back to today. As I sat in the waiting room, looking around at all of the mommies-to-be and others who were fortunate enough to be having their annual pap smear or suffering with a urinary tract infection (which is what I was there for), I couldn't help but have major flash backs and then be totally aware of the fact that I was in a unfamiliar place about to be called by name by a totally different nurse, etc., etc.

But it really didn't hit me until I had to fill out The Form. "I, Cynthia A Landers, hereby authorize my records to be transferred TO...FROM...". I almost couldn't write. It just hit me all at once. And I cried. I cried when I got into my car and drove away, and I've cried as I've typed these paragraphs. I know in the back of my mind, I will see her again (probably the next time I visit my family and I'm in Montgomery on a week day), and I'll send an updated picture of Jake like I do about once every season, but today I said Goodbye...maybe not forever because who knows what lies ahead for us, but at least for a while, I had to let go of something and people and a doctor/patient relationship that has been a part of my life for almost eleven years now.

After all, Dr. M has seen me through young married years, multiple miscarriages, a long road of trying to get pregnant, and then finally the most precious 9 months of my life before Jake. She has cried with me and rejoiced over me. She was there - caring for me, caring for Jim, caring for the baby we were praying for, caring for Jake who became a dream come true and a promise fulfilled. She...is a part of me. And I'll always thankful beyond words for encouragement, her wisdom, her smiles when she knew I couldn't.

And so with that being said, I'm off to write her a letter to express my appreciation the best I know how. I'll promise to keep sending pictures of Jake and come by for a visit. And I'll also look forward to new relationships and the new attachments that I know I'll make because that too, is part of me.