You see, I was actually "missing" a closeness to God...longing to love Him more, need Him more - to come to a point of weakness...on my knees...clinging to the hope I have in Him. I felt as if I wasn't stretching my faith, growing as His child, and shining my light for Him.
I've known these feelings before in a very real way. It was during my journey to becoming a mom to Jake. When Jim and I longed to become parents and decided that we would no longer just "wait and see if it happened", I was full of fear - fear of failure, fear of what God's answer would be, fear that He would choose to bless us in a different way. I worried that I was asking too much of Him - that I wouldn't be able carry and deliver a healthy baby. After all, I was asking for a miracle to be done in my life, and the painful memories of two previous miscarriages during our first year of marriage gripped me with fear.
So I prayed.
I first prayed for my heart and my spirit. I prayed that no matter what God's will was for us in this situation, I would praise Him anyway. I would give Him glory anyway. I would love Him with my whole heart in all circumstances. As my prayers and the time I spent with Him increased, so did my faith. It wasn't long before I began to actually see myself as a mommy. I had all the confidence in the world that God had chosen the birthday, hair color, and eye color, of the baby only He was able to give me....if I only kept believing, loving, and asking Him (something a short time before I was afraid to do). It was a time in my life that I don't have enough words to describe. Wonderful, incredible, beautiful, amazing - all of these put together don't do it justice. I saw little things happen along the way, and I knew He was speaking to me, revealing Himself to me, all the while answering my prayers. My thankfulness to Him also can't be described in words. I still look at Jake to this very day and am completely, utterly amazed. It never goes away...knowing that he is a result of my prayers - a testament of my faith - a gift from the One who is "...able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20). And I couldn't love him any more because of this.
But after he was born, something changed. He was real. He could be touched. I could hold him, feed him, rock him, care for him when he was sick. Before he was conceived and was still unborn, I was totally dependent on God. I had no control of what happened. I couldn't control whether or not I conceived or had a healthy pregnancy - this was all dependent upon God. But once he was here, I felt as if I had some control, and therefore, prayed less, spent time with God less, depended on Him less.
I missed this dependence on Him and longed for a cause to see His glory revealed again in my life.
But tonight, I don't have to anymore. I have been brought to a place where I'm nestled in the shadow of His wing. I'm seeking His comfort, His wisdom, His power, His promises to me. I'm in love with Him more today that I was yesterday, and I'm thankful...but most of all at peace. I'm okay with His will and purpose for this test of my faith, no matter what the outcome may be. I'm okay because I already have victory in Him. He has drawn me closer, and I feel His presence once again in my life. Thank you Lord! May all praise, honor and glory be yours today and always.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
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