So back to my story and the reason I'm here writing...
This week, starting with Monday, has really just not been all that great. I think I'm hitting that valley of female hormone that leaves me in tears that are uncontrollable, a place where I don't know what else to do other than blow my nose and wish I had worn waterproof mascara.
Monday, I woke up, and all I could think was...This.Just.Really.Sucks. I went to work and sat in my co worker's office and started to cry. I simply said to her - I'm just having a really *crappy* day (** - This means this may not be the exact word I used; but for the G rating I give this blog, I'm choosing to use that one instead. And don't worry. It's okay if my mom reads this. Even she knows this is a problem for me at times.). I was negative, I was full of "whys" and "I don't understands", and I was sad...all at once.
That was Monday.
And yesterday was Tuesday.
Yesterday, I saw God. Well, actually what I saw was an e-mail in my Inbox that completely caught me off guard. It was from Shelida. Shelida is a life-long friend of Jim's. And when I say true friend, she has been one to him for more years that he's been alive than he hasn't. I've only met her once in person; and aside from pictures, she and I wouldn't know what each other looked like if we walked right into each other at Target. She's a women after God's own heart and a mommy who has experienced loss in a greater capacity than I ever have. And yesterday...yesterday, she wrote to me. She wrote to tell me that she reads my blog, shares in my sorrow, and has been touched by the expression of my feelings about losing a child. She told me she sees me as stronger than herself, a blessing to many, and that for reasons unknown to her, she had been burdened for me and carried those burdens to God in prayer. The tears flowed and flowed as I wrote back to her as fast as my fingers would type and my mind could process what I wanted to say without me misspelling every single word I typed for writing faster that my fingers could go. I immediately started telling her this week had not been my best yet...that I was still processing and grieving, and it was hitting me hard. I shared how I felt that my loss was completely inadequate compared to hers but how blessed she has made me feel in return. After all...she gave me the greatest gift anyone could ever give me here on Earth...she gave my burdens to God for me. When all I could do was feel and didn't know what to say other than how *crappy* my day was going, she was on top of the mountain praying for me. She lifted me out of the valley, not even realizing that God's calling for her to do so had a purpose and wasn't without reason.
And, to me, what makes it even better is that she wrote to share this with me. Her words were so needed and so appreciated to say the very least. But a few were missing. They were the ones I saw embedded within each sentence...
Cindi, this is your Heavenly Father. I just want you to know that your burdens have been laid at my nail-scarred feet. I've counted every tear that you've cried, and my hands have caught each one. I am here. You are not alone. I am carrying you. ~Love, God
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