Seven weeks ago, I decided that I had lost this baby.
I had had one ultrasound that showed a healthy baby with a heart beating strongly, but the sac surrounding it was oddly shaped. I did the worst thing I could possibly do…I wandered around on the Internet, and everything I read said that most obstetricians would go ahead and prepare the patient for a miscarriage. Mine did not. He, in fact, said it did not concern him at all. What was most important to him was seeing a healthy, growing baby. And we did.
But then my lab work came back. My progesterone level had fallen, and this is something that shouldn’t happen during pregnancy. It should only rise and continue to rise until the baby’s birth day. I did manage to find one, single opinion that said it can fluctuate depending on the time of day, etc. But everything else, said it shouldn’t. My mind said it shouldn’t. Dr. Waller also said it shouldn’t; but he, once again, wasn’t alarmed. He said his concern would intensify only if it dropped a second time. He started me on a daily suppository to make himself and me both feel more at ease that we were doing “everything possible” to sustain this tiny life.
Days went by, and the spotting began. It began as brown, then pink…then finally a spot of red blood.
From experiences past, I knew red blood is something you just don’t want to see when you’re pregnant. And at that moment, I had concluded I was losing this baby. I had “been there done this” before, and I even declined to go back in even for blood work just to see how things were progressing. I just couldn’t do it. I just wanted to be left alone. Against my nurse’s wishes, I rescheduled my appointment to see Dr. Waller for a later date, and assumed by that point, I would have passed all tissue.
I spent the day with Jim since he was in Montgomery on his second round of teaching at Maxwell for two weeks, and we just enjoyed each other. We talked about how amazed and thankful we were for Jake. We talked about what God’s plan for our lives would be from this point on, and consoled ourselves with the fact that “This was a surprise anyway. It’s not as if we were trying or praying or even hoping for another addition to our family.” We could handle “this one” so much easier because we had Jake, but oh how different things might be if he was not part of our lives.
Don't believe in miracles - depend on them. – Laurence J. Peter
Jake and I drove home that day, just the two of us. I began to process what (I thought) had happened and what (I thought) was to come in the weeks ahead. I cried the whole way home and decided that I would share my feelings and my pregnancy on my blog. I deleted websites that I had added to my favorites for bedding that I loved in case we were having another boy (because really, the odds are hugely against us ever having a girl), and I held onto Jake like there was no tomorrow. I stopped doing the suppositories Dr. Waller had prescribed and even quit taking my prenatal vitamins to “get everything out of my system”. And last but not least, as I put it yesterday when I was talking to one of my very best friends, I laid this little life at the feet of my Savior, and I crawled into His lap.
In that place, He gave me comfort, He counted ever tear that fell to my knees, His perfect peace covered me like a blanket, and most of all, He held me – and didn’t let go.
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. – Albert Einstein
The weeks passed by, and all of the things that I would have considered to be pregnancy symptoms were just played off. They were ignored and chalked up to my hormones taking time to get back to normal – after all, I still had not fully miscarried - but that would “just take time…it did before.” I missed another doctor’s appointment (shucks) and once again, rescheduled for a later date.
Jim came home, and we went camping. We came home and argued because he felt as if I was being overly impatient with Jake. He couldn’t understand why I was so tired and why I had this huge lack of energy. He saw me struggling and had no idea what to do to help me get out the slump I was in. He stressed big time because he knew he was leaving again – this time for England and for nearly three weeks.
Not long after, I amazingly felt like “me” again – besides the fact that my body was looking more and more like I was pregnant. I was actually embarrassed and started worrying about what kind of diet I would go on if Dr. Waller couldn’t determine what was causing my abdomen to grow and me to gain weight (if, in fact, an ultrasound determined that in some strange way I had definitely passed everything I needed to). I started drinking more water than ever and watching what I ate. I even told one of my girlfriends that she wouldn’t catch me dead in the Jack’s drive-thru (no matter how much I love their gravy biscuits).
Which brings me to last week…
The most incredible thing about miracles is that they happen. – G.K. Chesterton
Last week I had had enough of wondering what was “wrong with me”, so I called my nurse, and she immediately suggested I go for blood work to determine whether or not my hormones were definitely getting back to zero. So I went.
With me still waiting on the results, my mom and sister came for a visit this past weekend. We had so much fun…shopping, breaking up arguments between Emily and Jake, grilling hamburgers, my sister opening her birthday gifts, Jake opening three packs of baseballs cards that he wasn’t supposed to and tearing his new foam airplane into 50 pieces, and watching a great chick flick together. They also took one look at me, and told me they had no doubts in their minds that I was still carrying this baby. They even inspired me to take the last pregnancy test remaining from the box of two I bought almost two months ago and yep, it was positive. For the very first time in over six weeks, I thought…Really? Do you think? No way! Maybe? What if? I couldn’t wait for Jim to call and tell him I had the feeling we were going to be in for (yet another) huge surprise. Yeah, his response…“No way!” My response…Hmmm….I’m not so sure about that, Buddy.
I left home Monday morning, Montgomery bound to have an ultrasound.
And with everyone baffled and waiting to see the results of this one, heads were shaking, mouths dropped open, tears were cried, and we saw a baby! - a baby who had been there all this time with only the One who created him or her knowing it.
I’m not even sure at this point how to describe what I’m feeling, but the first word that comes to mind is overwhelmed.
And while I'm still trying to put down into words those feelings, this is what I know…
I’m still in awe (and still feel like I deserve the ultimate idiot award). I know that God is in control, and that with Him, all things are possible. I know that He is glorified to the fullest. I know that I feel loved by my Creator more than ever…more than I’ll ever be able to comprehend. And I know now…I’m going to be a mommy once again…and I couldn’t be happier.
He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted. – Job 5:9
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