momma said there'd be days like this 4/1/11

And yesterday was one of those days.

Parker had just finished chugging his lunch, and I was cuddling his little body. I held him longer than usual, and as we sat there heartbeat to hearbeat, all I could think about was the minutes of the hour and the hours of the day that were passing us by...making me one more closer to going back to work full time.

I put him down for his afternoon nap, and I came to our bedroom. I sat here in the quietness and stared out the window as I cried. I talked to my mom then talked to God. I cried some more. I talked to God some more while I soaked in our bathtub. And then to Jim when he and Jake got home from praciticing T-ball for the second time this season.

And today I hate that it's the first day of the month of April.

I think I've been okay to this point because it wasn't that month...the month of April...the month when the days I have left to spend all of their hours with Parker can be counted in single digits instead of double...when I say in a few weeks or a few days instead of three months, two months, one month when I talk about the day I go back...when the hours of the day that Parker is in my arms will be replaced with me sitting at a desk doing another job instead of the one I love above anything else.

I'm heartbroken already.

I can't stand the thought of this change.

I'm torn apart by the adjustments I know we'll have to make, new routines that we'll have.

And I'm definitely having those days my mom said I'd have...back to back.